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-- A Spring Embrace -- by ~hojucult:iconhojucult:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Emotional




*


Suspended in Spring’s
fervid flavour;
Sun scorching, penetrating
porcelain skin
like the heat
of your lingering gaze.

Phantasms of your presence
burn ever-deep;
Tupelo honey rays, a pale parallel.
I thirst for your silent spell,
a fingerprint on my soul.



*
©2003-2009 ~hojucult
:iconhojucult:

Author's Comments

Sitting alone in the sun at the café at Uni.
(and i wrote it while I sat.. but it went through a major re-write).

Any suggestions and comments would be muchly appreciated :D

Comments


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:iconshadowassassin:
~shadowassassin Sep 12, 2003, 8:14:06 PM
YES.

Yes yes yes yes yes.

Fucking gorgeous. Excellent alliteration and rhyme, especially in the last stanza. And doubly excellent because you've broken free from the normal diction and form that's chained your other recent pieces.

Only thing I see is that "phantasms" is too long. But hey. It's minor.

This is really fucking incredible.

--
Suture Staff.
:iconrhetoric-ritual:
~rhetoric-ritual Sep 12, 2003, 8:20:39 PM
Exactly. Except that I like "phantasms." Shadowassassin worded it perfectly. Incredible.
:iconhojucult:
~hojucult Sep 12, 2003, 8:30:43 PM
Thank you! I'm so happy that you like this one :D :hug:

--
MY BLOG: [link] MY HOME: [link]
:iconeternaltraveller:
~eternaltraveller Sep 13, 2003, 12:09:11 AM
I like the way that your imagery of heat and thirst emphasize the emtions behind the words ... which is also why I like the use of "Phantasms" because of its relation to heat waves (or a mirage) in this context. Good one :) Although considering this, I would have liked to see that "parched" imagery carried through to the final two lines and used something along the lines of " imprint" as in dry, cracked mud with the imprint of someone who has passed before. If you've ever seen photo's of a dry oasis ot waterhole, I think you'll know what I'm talking about and how that image emphasises the silence of the place. Just an impression I got from your words ;)

--
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
:iconvivus:
!vivus Sep 13, 2003, 4:56:21 AM
Flavor is spelled with out the 'u' you damn Aussie. :D
I was going to comment on this last night but decided against drunkenly rambling all over your deviation (so now I'll soberly ramble!). I agree with ~shadowassassin minus the "phantasm" comment; because I think "phantasm" works very well.
:iconhojucult:
~hojucult Sep 13, 2003, 5:05:23 AM
oh shoosh, you wanna-be aussie..

--
MY BLOG: [link] MY HOME: [link]
:iconhojucult:
~hojucult Sep 13, 2003, 5:06:34 AM
Thank you so much for your suggestion. I understand what you're saying, and you're v.right about the imagery. I'll have to play around with it a bit and see how i like it, but if i change it, you'll be the first to know :)

--
MY BLOG: [link] MY HOME: [link]
:iconvivus:
!vivus Sep 13, 2003, 5:44:27 AM
I'm off to throw some shrimp on the barbie.
:iconcorruptedangel:
~corruptedangel Sep 13, 2003, 5:56:09 AM
I really like the last 3 lines... The l's work very well together in that. I agree with vivus that phantasm works very well but whats he on about with the flavour comment...? you spelt it fine. I think he may actually be drunk rambling.

--
and all that jazz... :meditation:

[link]
:iconvalar:
~valar Sep 13, 2003, 11:50:41 AM
Yeah lets throw another shrimp on the barbie :!: :P

The alliteration is "yummy" here :)

And the last lines are my favourite part!

I'm off to fave and mind the barbie ;)

:hug:

Valar.

--
They All Sleep. We Just Dream.
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