Excellent, glad you decided to fight the form to accomplish the sense, forms are wonderful, but the key goal is to find times to use them to inspire not to limit

wow.. the poem rocks.. so sensual and visual.. very well written..

and I LOVE the screen shot.. the blue tones and the blury lightness suit the writing so well..

Love it

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RUBEN@DEVIANTART

Very nicely done.. Well written.... good meaning.. and oh nice picture...

Well done. I'm impressed that you managed to get the 10 syllabels per line in most lines without making it too forced overall ... although in places it does jar a slight bit e.g. "honesty - direct heart to ignite." But overall, yes, well executed. Love the sentiments behind this, especially the line "Third mortal sin submerged in sweet delight". And the play between sapphire pools and liquid dream works nicely.

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Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.

Gosh, it's amazing how you actually pull it off. This poetic-forms is a nightmare. I haven't even finished the sonnet from May.

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For all poets: [link]

romantic poetry isn't something i usually like to read, but alas u have made here a one-size-fits-all for me. I like the style here, and this part especially
Third mortal sin submerged in sweet delight.
Fulfill a liquid dream where we’re entwined.

Where you have done so much in two lines- aliteration + multiple rhymes (sin, dream) + word play (submerged fulfill liquid) and paralel thru metaphor -
scores you a in my books

gr8 wrk

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Waste not want not
-- The Mask

I'm on tmuch of a poet so I gave the poem a miss (sorry) but I do like the pic. It gives off a general good feeling because of the subtle yet fitting colours. Really good work on the pic, I like that kind of stuff


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I'm pretty sure this thing has point, I'll find it one day.

Frankenhoju,

An interesting taste to this poem. A few comments/suggestions:

(1) Only concern thus given to the night. Since the thematics of the poem resonate with sensuality (and I mean this in the old, rather than the modern sense of the word), the insertion of the term "concern" - associated with fully conscious and calculating thought - seems a little out of place. I am generally loathe to suggest alternatives because a poem should, I think, be "fully owned" by its author, so the following is merely an example to illustrate an alternative that might fit better with the overall sense that the poem conveys:

Our bodies bare, thus given to the night.

This sort of thing, I would suggest, eliminates the overly cognitive notion of "concern", is apiece with the physicality and sensuality of the other stanzas, and makes for a smooth transition to the next stanza where mention is made of, err shall we say, "stage two".

(2) honesty - direct heart to ignite. As eternaltraveller pointed out, this line is awkward, does not adhere to form, and in fact, the more I read it (and here I'm referring particularly to "direct heart to ignite" and within THIS, the word "direct"), the more I'm confused as to its meaning. Perhaps something like:

honesty, so setting our hearts alight.

or

honesty - fanning lust's embers alight.

or

Fidelity, so lust's spark doth ignite.

etc. One weakness with the last two is that with word lust appears later in the poem. A good replacement for lust is yearning but this requires more re-jigging due to it having two syllables. Grrr. Another problem with the first and the third suggestions is the word so which indicates causality - something you may not want to suggest.

(3) Waiting for darkness - till our love resigned, I would have thought a comma rather than a dash would be more appropriate here. (And although it is perfectly acceptable to use the word till, since it is an abbreviation of until, it is more correctly written as 'til. This is an insignificant detail, however.)

(4) Crystal - our desire, lust aligned, Why not add and in-between desire and lust to make up the extra syllable? Blah!


That'll do for now.

F, thanks for your advice. I'll try to work on this later today

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