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Listening to: King Without a Crown, Matisyahu
Reading: Letters From the Rebbe
Watching: Munich

On Monday I wrote a little entry on September 11, 2001. It was just a brief flashback about my experience 5 years ago, and I wrote it in a terrible rush just as I was about to leave my office at the end of the day, but later I started thinking about what I'd written, and it started making me feel sick. I didn't want to remember how I felt that day, nor did I understand why everyone around the world was obsessed with re-living the experience. So the next time I came online, I deleted the entry and decided that the next time I wrote in this journal, it would be something positive. Unfortunately, this isn't a positive entry, because I don't really have anything positive to write. Last night was one of the worst nights I can remember having. Maybe the last time I had a night worse than the one I experienced last night, was in 2004 when I was working at a bar in Dee Why, and I was living in Marrickille, and before my bar shift, I'd eaten some sushi which happened to be off, and during my shift I started experiencing the most severe food poisoning I'd ever had, still til this day I've never had food poisoning so badly. I literally passed out in one of the rooms at the hotel, and later had to will myself to drive to my parent's house because Marrickville was too far to drive in that condition, and shortly after I'd climbed into my old bed, my parents came home and knew something was wrong because they saw my car there, and my mother brought me a bucket and.. wow, the vomit that came out smelled like the foulest thing imaginable, mainly a fishy smell because of the sushi, and anyway.. it was intense.. But last night, I thankfully, didn't throw up. I did however, remain in a constant state of alertness because I was feeling terrible nausea and kept running to the bathroom because I felt as though I would be sick, but after spitting for some time into the toilet, I'd go back to bed. Occassionally I would drift in and out of consiousness, all the while feeling nauseous, even in my dreams. And all my dreams, no matter how hard I tried to change them, were about work. I was at the office, doing work, speaking to my collegues, speaking to clients, writing emails, working... aargh g-d, the more I dreamed about work, the more I'd feel like throwing up. After some consideration this morning, I've put it down to stress. I had an awefully stressful day yesterday. I have too much to do, too many people who need my help or who need to ask me what to do.. I'm not cut out for it, as clearly demonstrated by aforementioned nocturnal torture. I really need to find a way to deal with this stress thing. And right now, I need to find a way to stay awake all day. It's only 8.30am and I'm already feeling like I could just curl up onto the cold tiles beneath my desk and fall asleep.

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